Tag: Diary

Diary Entry #11 Youngster

So I have just finished watching a film called Booksmart, it was well written and funny (Amazon prime) and it is about two teenage girls, last day of high school. I loved it but afterwards I questioned why the f**k did I love it!? Is there a part of me that still feels like I am a teenager – maybe! Do I wish I was young again? – definitely not! And then it hit me…I am raising a son and a daughter, what will they be like at this age, is what I am doing shaping how they will deal with situations in the future?? It made me reflect on how I was when I was young and how I don’t want them to be like me. I don’t want that for them. I was painfully shy to the point in my first secondary school that I could go a whole day without speaking, I lacked any sort of confidence and dreaded every day (not an exaggeration – every day), when people throw fruit at you during class because it is ‘fun’ and when you get put in a group in drama class and everyone changes out of your group to create their own group so that they could all be in the same group and not with you and you just stand there not knowing what to do and when someone passes a note around the whole of your history class with the title ‘A list of who has the worst boobs’ and you are number two and number one is a boy…it tends to knock someones confidence some what, makes someone shut down inside, not feel worthy of being a part of the normal world. Things changed a little when I moved to my second secondary school but these things, these things stick with you for life. I am no longer that shy, sad girl just waiting for her day to be over. My confidence has grown with my age and with the situations I have been put in and with the people I meet and with experience however I do still get those insecure moments and those moments where if I am uncomfortable I will shut down, go quiet, be vacant but I also know that I am in control and I can change the situations I am in if I don’t like it and I figure I am doing okay at the moment! I got a boob job too. Be kind, always, it sticks with people when you aren’t.

Diary Entry #9 Untitled

I didn’t know what to title this entry because I thought I would just write and see where it takes me. I haven’t felt like writing much recently as I haven’t be 100% and I have felt super unmotivated, fatigued and tired. The hubster has now been furloughed but is still doing training for his job so we are down some money each month. It could be worse, it could be better. We will apply for the mortgage break. So many people are in similar situations. It is tricky at the moment because I am a stay at home mum with 1 year old twins which means he is the only monetary provider. I have applied for a couple of jobs at supermarkets, got turned down by one and haven’t heard from the other, then I had to properly self isolate due to being ill and now I am out of that, what do I do next? How do I proceed with life? I worry that the babies aren’t getting enough stimulation now and although I didn’t do loads of baby classes, I went out every day, I took them to the library, to the odd baby class here and there, to see the ducks, to see the animals at our local garden centre, I took them into town, took them shopping. Had visitors round. Went to see people but now I have to rethink things because I worry so much that this lack of stimulation will effect them developmentally. I try so hard to make things interesting, I am glad the sun is shining. I feel like I am leaning towards the negative again at the moment and worrying lots and I think it is because I have just heard that the prime minister is in intensive care. The leader of our country, the one we are counting on. I know there are many people behind him but it was a shock I have to say. I am going to follow that news with something completely inappropriate and benial because I want to end on something postive. I made brownies this evening which means I have more energy which means I am feeling better. So this entry was my thoughts in this moment put on a virtual page. Done.

Diary Entry #8 Birthdays

So it is my twins birthdays today. A special birthday, their first birthday, except it wasn’t special. I had plans to go to Nottingham (where my parents live – where I grew up) and have family around, hubsters family too. It was all planned out, invitations were sent. We would visit a farm, followed by a buffet. I was to bake them cakes myself and the family would see them open presents. But in reality, I wrapped their main present from us that morning in a rush because Atti (my son, boy twinny!) and I were ill the night before and he was in meltdown mode not long after being put down to sleep which ended with me rocking him like a newborn until he fell asleep (some calpol before that too, poorly boy!) And then I fell asleep when I should have been wrapping his present. Today was full of moaning babies and snot and me being exhausted and ill and the babies feeling the same way. We tried to make the most of their already doomed birthday and video called my parents, ride on a tractor outside and a read of their fave book but really birthday or not, it was one of those rubbish days! I hope we can still do their party and give them the day that they deserve after all this stuff is over…even if they may be nearly 2 by then! I feel guilty writing this because people have had to cancel their weddings, people are dying for goodness sake and here I am rambling on about the twins birthday and they don’t even understand that it is their birthday. But I needed to get it out, I needed to get it out of my system and put it to bed. A small niggle that is done. Tomorrow is a new day and my chocolate mug cakes are due from Amazon. Hoorah for treats galore, it was only available on a bulk buy of 6! and there are 2 in each packet and if my maths serves me correctly that is 12 mug cakes in total! Should keep me going for a day or two?

Diary Entry #7 Symptoms

I woke up yesterday feeling rough. A full on cold and today I have a cough. My immediate thought was ‘Corona Virus’. I was suprised as I haven’t really been in contact with anyone besides my hubster and babies that I live with since the Wednesday before last. It is strange because before this Corona Virus I would have thought, oh another cold but now I am over analysing all my symptoms but I need to stop because I have no way of really knowing but I am taking my responsibilities seriously and we are all staying in, not even a little walk anymore because I do not want to take the risk of infecting anyone. The sooner this is over the better! Right now I should be tidying, cleaning or doing jobs whilst the babies are napping but instead I have popped on the TV and I am enjoying a mug cake because sometimes you just need a treat! It is delish x

Diary Entry #6 Caring

I am massively over sensitive, I analyse things to the max and although I appear quite often to be calm and collected, I am totally not at all and I have had to learn to stop pretending to be but at the same time take control of such emotions so that they don’t take over. It is a delicate balance of which I am not sure I have achieved quite yet but work on daily. With everything that is going on in the world, everyone has their own worries and stresses and the one thing I do know for sure is that none of us are alone in this. Anyway, I am sitting in the middle of my Kitchen…back to cleaning before the babies wake up!

Diary Entry #5 Mother’s Day

My Mother’s days so far haven’t been should I say the most relaxed! My first Mother’s day was the day after giving birth to the babies, I was in hospital, knackered and not really with it but also I was a bit euphoric at the same so that was okay. My second Mother’s day is right in the midst of all this corona virus stuff and social isolation, not quite how I had envisioned my Mother’s days to be.

Sitting in my dining room drinking a posh coffee and nibbling on my Green & Blacks mini choccy bars that were of course a Mother’s day gift from the twinnies with the sun streaming in from the garden, despite everything that is going on, I feel a sense of peace today. Not just because the babies are currently napping and the hubster has gone for a bike ride in the countryside (away from other humans) but because I am a Mama, I am loved by two little humans and I love them back. Not everyone gets a chance to be a Mum so I feel grateful, I am grateful to be spending time as a family unit (she says sitting on her own drinking coffee!) But really, we are off for a walk in a wood later and I can’t help feeling that whatever happens, as long as I have my little family, we will make the most of the situations we are in. The sun shining in has clearly made me feel dead positive. I should sit in the sun more often.

Diary Entry #3: Makeup

So If you enjoy diary entry blogs then you may enjoy mine! In the past I have somehow associated makeup with having a put together day, it made me feel empowered and confident to be out and about in public. Since then, I had my baby twins (now nearly one!) and that changed everything and changed how I thought of the world. I started going out without makeup on and my hair chucked up, originally this was probably due to sleep deprivation and lack of time but it became so much more than that. I realised that I had nothing to prove and no one to try and impress. I just answer to myself and the babies and they really don’t care what I look like! I am happy being a little bit invisible sometimes, in my own makeup free bubble, walking into town owning my flaws. Don’t get me wrong I do slap on a bit of makeup here and there but I don’t want it to define whether I am ‘put together’ or ‘happier’ that day and it took having babies to teach me that makeup does not have super powers and that I am the same person with or without makeup!

Diary Entry #2: Two Posts In One Day

I feel the need to explain myself because on my last post I just wrote, I didn’t over analyse, I just wrote and it felt great but now I have the realisation that I haven’t really explained anything or elaborated on who I am, what this is all about and why I am doing it. So, long story short… I am FJ, I am 30 something (I say ‘something’ not because I am embarrassed about my ever increasing age but because I can’t remember if I am 32 or 33!). I am female, have a hubster and baby twins. I don’t really know what all this is about or what it might turn into or why I am really doing it. I just felt like it. Currently it is ramblings, almost diary like. If you are one for grammar and spelling and writing perfectly as much as I try, I am not great at that so these posts really aren’t for you. Or maybe they are and you will get a kick out of correcting me!