So I have just finished watching a film called Booksmart, it was well written and funny (Amazon prime) and it is about two teenage girls, last day of high school. I loved it but afterwards I questioned why the f**k did I love it!? Is there a part of me that still feels like I am a teenager – maybe! Do I wish I was young again? – definitely not! And then it hit me…I am raising a son and a daughter, what will they be like at this age, is what I am doing shaping how they will deal with situations in the future?? It made me reflect on how I was when I was young and how I don’t want them to be like me. I don’t want that for them. I was painfully shy to the point in my first secondary school that I could go a whole day without speaking, I lacked any sort of confidence and dreaded every day (not an exaggeration – every day), when people throw fruit at you during class because it is ‘fun’ and when you get put in a group in drama class and everyone changes out of your group to create their own group so that they could all be in the same group and not with you and you just stand there not knowing what to do and when someone passes a note around the whole of your history class with the title ‘A list of who has the worst boobs’ and you are number two and number one is a boy…it tends to knock someones confidence some what, makes someone shut down inside, not feel worthy of being a part of the normal world. Things changed a little when I moved to my second secondary school but these things, these things stick with you for life. I am no longer that shy, sad girl just waiting for her day to be over. My confidence has grown with my age and with the situations I have been put in and with the people I meet and with experience however I do still get those insecure moments and those moments where if I am uncomfortable I will shut down, go quiet, be vacant but I also know that I am in control and I can change the situations I am in if I don’t like it and I figure I am doing okay at the moment! I got a boob job too. Be kind, always, it sticks with people when you aren’t.
Tag: journal
Diary Entry #8 Birthdays
So it is my twins birthdays today. A special birthday, their first birthday, except it wasn’t special. I had plans to go to Nottingham (where my parents live – where I grew up) and have family around, hubsters family too. It was all planned out, invitations were sent. We would visit a farm, followed by a buffet. I was to bake them cakes myself and the family would see them open presents. But in reality, I wrapped their main present from us that morning in a rush because Atti (my son, boy twinny!) and I were ill the night before and he was in meltdown mode not long after being put down to sleep which ended with me rocking him like a newborn until he fell asleep (some calpol before that too, poorly boy!) And then I fell asleep when I should have been wrapping his present. Today was full of moaning babies and snot and me being exhausted and ill and the babies feeling the same way. We tried to make the most of their already doomed birthday and video called my parents, ride on a tractor outside and a read of their fave book but really birthday or not, it was one of those rubbish days! I hope we can still do their party and give them the day that they deserve after all this stuff is over…even if they may be nearly 2 by then! I feel guilty writing this because people have had to cancel their weddings, people are dying for goodness sake and here I am rambling on about the twins birthday and they don’t even understand that it is their birthday. But I needed to get it out, I needed to get it out of my system and put it to bed. A small niggle that is done. Tomorrow is a new day and my chocolate mug cakes are due from Amazon. Hoorah for treats galore, it was only available on a bulk buy of 6! and there are 2 in each packet and if my maths serves me correctly that is 12 mug cakes in total! Should keep me going for a day or two?
Diary Entry #6 Caring
I am massively over sensitive, I analyse things to the max and although I appear quite often to be calm and collected, I am totally not at all and I have had to learn to stop pretending to be but at the same time take control of such emotions so that they don’t take over. It is a delicate balance of which I am not sure I have achieved quite yet but work on daily. With everything that is going on in the world, everyone has their own worries and stresses and the one thing I do know for sure is that none of us are alone in this. Anyway, I am sitting in the middle of my Kitchen…back to cleaning before the babies wake up!
Diary Entry #5 Mother’s Day
My Mother’s days so far haven’t been should I say the most relaxed! My first Mother’s day was the day after giving birth to the babies, I was in hospital, knackered and not really with it but also I was a bit euphoric at the same so that was okay. My second Mother’s day is right in the midst of all this corona virus stuff and social isolation, not quite how I had envisioned my Mother’s days to be.
Sitting in my dining room drinking a posh coffee and nibbling on my Green & Blacks mini choccy bars that were of course a Mother’s day gift from the twinnies with the sun streaming in from the garden, despite everything that is going on, I feel a sense of peace today. Not just because the babies are currently napping and the hubster has gone for a bike ride in the countryside (away from other humans) but because I am a Mama, I am loved by two little humans and I love them back. Not everyone gets a chance to be a Mum so I feel grateful, I am grateful to be spending time as a family unit (she says sitting on her own drinking coffee!) But really, we are off for a walk in a wood later and I can’t help feeling that whatever happens, as long as I have my little family, we will make the most of the situations we are in. The sun shining in has clearly made me feel dead positive. I should sit in the sun more often.
Diary of a mad women 