So I have just finished watching a film called Booksmart, it was well written and funny (Amazon prime) and it is about two teenage girls, last day of high school. I loved it but afterwards I questioned why the f**k did I love it!? Is there a part of me that still feels like I am a teenager – maybe! Do I wish I was young again? – definitely not! And then it hit me…I am raising a son and a daughter, what will they be like at this age, is what I am doing shaping how they will deal with situations in the future?? It made me reflect on how I was when I was young and how I don’t want them to be like me. I don’t want that for them. I was painfully shy to the point in my first secondary school that I could go a whole day without speaking, I lacked any sort of confidence and dreaded every day (not an exaggeration – every day), when people throw fruit at you during class because it is ‘fun’ and when you get put in a group in drama class and everyone changes out of your group to create their own group so that they could all be in the same group and not with you and you just stand there not knowing what to do and when someone passes a note around the whole of your history class with the title ‘A list of who has the worst boobs’ and you are number two and number one is a boy…it tends to knock someones confidence some what, makes someone shut down inside, not feel worthy of being a part of the normal world. Things changed a little when I moved to my second secondary school but these things, these things stick with you for life. I am no longer that shy, sad girl just waiting for her day to be over. My confidence has grown with my age and with the situations I have been put in and with the people I meet and with experience however I do still get those insecure moments and those moments where if I am uncomfortable I will shut down, go quiet, be vacant but I also know that I am in control and I can change the situations I am in if I don’t like it and I figure I am doing okay at the moment! I got a boob job too. Be kind, always, it sticks with people when you aren’t.
Tag: Ramblings
Diary Entry #5 Mother’s Day
My Mother’s days so far haven’t been should I say the most relaxed! My first Mother’s day was the day after giving birth to the babies, I was in hospital, knackered and not really with it but also I was a bit euphoric at the same so that was okay. My second Mother’s day is right in the midst of all this corona virus stuff and social isolation, not quite how I had envisioned my Mother’s days to be.
Sitting in my dining room drinking a posh coffee and nibbling on my Green & Blacks mini choccy bars that were of course a Mother’s day gift from the twinnies with the sun streaming in from the garden, despite everything that is going on, I feel a sense of peace today. Not just because the babies are currently napping and the hubster has gone for a bike ride in the countryside (away from other humans) but because I am a Mama, I am loved by two little humans and I love them back. Not everyone gets a chance to be a Mum so I feel grateful, I am grateful to be spending time as a family unit (she says sitting on her own drinking coffee!) But really, we are off for a walk in a wood later and I can’t help feeling that whatever happens, as long as I have my little family, we will make the most of the situations we are in. The sun shining in has clearly made me feel dead positive. I should sit in the sun more often.
Diary Entry #3: Makeup
So If you enjoy diary entry blogs then you may enjoy mine! In the past I have somehow associated makeup with having a put together day, it made me feel empowered and confident to be out and about in public. Since then, I had my baby twins (now nearly one!) and that changed everything and changed how I thought of the world. I started going out without makeup on and my hair chucked up, originally this was probably due to sleep deprivation and lack of time but it became so much more than that. I realised that I had nothing to prove and no one to try and impress. I just answer to myself and the babies and they really don’t care what I look like! I am happy being a little bit invisible sometimes, in my own makeup free bubble, walking into town owning my flaws. Don’t get me wrong I do slap on a bit of makeup here and there but I don’t want it to define whether I am ‘put together’ or ‘happier’ that day and it took having babies to teach me that makeup does not have super powers and that I am the same person with or without makeup!
Diary Entry #2: Two Posts In One Day
I feel the need to explain myself because on my last post I just wrote, I didn’t over analyse, I just wrote and it felt great but now I have the realisation that I haven’t really explained anything or elaborated on who I am, what this is all about and why I am doing it. So, long story short… I am FJ, I am 30 something (I say ‘something’ not because I am embarrassed about my ever increasing age but because I can’t remember if I am 32 or 33!). I am female, have a hubster and baby twins. I don’t really know what all this is about or what it might turn into or why I am really doing it. I just felt like it. Currently it is ramblings, almost diary like. If you are one for grammar and spelling and writing perfectly as much as I try, I am not great at that so these posts really aren’t for you. Or maybe they are and you will get a kick out of correcting me!
Diary Entry #1: Why I Write
Here I am, sitting in my Livingroom in my 1970s home, watching a Netflix film about teenagers (of which I am most definitely not) and figuring out how to use this wordpress app. I had an urge to write. I have always written, I say always…I didn’t come out the womb writing! But not far off. I kept countless diaries as a child and teenager (oh those angsty teenage diaries!!). Now I am 30 something and still write. I recently started a notebook where I can write songs, this amazing idea came to me when I had 5 minutes to myself in the shower and decided that I had most certainly had thought of the next big hit whilst I was lathering myself up with foam burst shower cream. I wrote a page and the rest sits empty (for now…). When I had a bit of a breakdown (yep, heavy one) I decided to write a novel, it was about a man, a writer, a drunk and something about murder. Needless to say I didn’t finish the book and I lost interest. So why do I write? Because I have an urge, its therapeutic and I want to just vent in some way or another. So here I am, writing again and maybe this time short snippets of ramblings is the way forward rather than committing to a novel or a music album!
Diary of a mad women 